The Shame is the Same
If there’s one thing I know a lot about it’s shame.
Words seared into my brain and deeds committed against my body now in a childhood now far, far away, used to seep out of my dreams and dance on the midnight tables of sleepless nights. Words and deeds that as a child I was powerless to stop, as a young adult I was powerless to forget.
Who said or who did what to whom you ask? It doesn’t matter, really. Every life is different and yet the effect is always the same. Someone we trusted betrayed us and left us filled with shame.
So, what does shame do and how can we change this awful legacy.
- Shame can control you. It can force you into silence when you know you should speak.
- Shame can keep you in relationships that you know are toxic.
- Shame can leave you feeling humiliated as you try to reach out for a healthy life.
- Shame, when it’s most powerful, can take over your mind, body and spirit leaving you bereft of hope with little reason to go on.
Shame and I used to be best friends for years and it wasn’t an easy thing, at least for me, to recognize the patterns of my life that kept me bouncing from one bad relationship to another, one job to the next. Nor was it an easy thing for me to stop my addictive-self destructive behaviors. But, eventually the pain of feeling continually shamed overwhelmed my fear of the unknown and I wanted that pain to stop.
The legacy of shame was broken for me the moment I said, “No.”
“No. You cannot say those things to me.”
“No. You cannot do those things to me.”
“No. You cannot make me feel bad for wanting to lead a healthy life.”
And finally the legacy was broken when I started saying “Yes.”
“Yes. I will talk.”
“Yes. I will tell you what happened.”
“Yes. I am a survivor.”
The occasional middle of the night rendez-vous is now all that I have left of my relationship with shame. We are no longer the best friends. We got a divorce, so-to-speak, due to irreconcilable differences and it’s better this way. Much better.
The cycle of shame can be broken. Let it begin with you.
