What Now God?
I am a Christian. I was a Christian while I was being abused and I am a Christian still, and this makes no sense to many people in my audiences.
I chronicled my journey in my book, and when I am asked to speak I tell them about my return to mental and emotional health after a childhood filled with abuse and an adult life filled with poor choices and devastating consequences.
The audiences I speak to vary in age, ethnicity and religious preference, but no matter what the size there seems to be an oft repeated theme emerging from those who attend: the women are leaving the church. With tremendous sadness in their eyes and lips that frequently quiver with emotion, they tell me their stories of why they left. But, if you ask them if they’d like to find a way back the sadness disappears and is quickly replaced with fear and anger. “No!” One woman responded. “God wasn’t there when I was five and He’s not there now.”
If they ask me, and many do, why I stayed in the church I tell them, “Because God was with me when I was five and He’s still with me now.” Same situation? Perhaps. But definitely a different perspective.
"If” I ask, “If God wasn’t there then, then how do I explain to anyone, let alone to myself, how do I explain how I survived an abusive and emotionally sinister mother? How do I explain the peace and comfort I experience when I settle into my pew on any given Sunday morning? In other words, if God wasn’t there in spirit when I was five, six and seven years old then who was?”
Women feel outrage over what has happened to them and I understand how they feel. I was outraged also. Many have internalized their shame and lead lives of quiet desperation and sorrow. I understand this also. But, if I ask them who or what saved them they looked confused. “What do you mean saved me? I wasn’t saved. I was abused. God abandoned me.”
“But you’re here. You’re talking to me. The abuse is over and you have survived. I understand that you wish the whole thing had never happened. I felt that way too. I guess the only thing I have to ask you is the same question I’ve had to ask myself, what has God saved you for?”
Everyone who walks this recovery trail of tears experiences grief, but grief, as painful as it is, is a part of healing and recovery. Loss of innocence and repeated betrayal of trust is heartbreaking. It changes your life forever and the grief must be experienced.
Survivors may not believe that their never ending any anger and sorrow will diminish with time but it does and then they will be left with the question that only they will be able to answer. What now God? What have you saved me for? Ultimately the answer will come with each one’s understanding of the power of one. One person can make a difference. One person can change their destiny. One person can make a difference for future generations. One person can do it. One person at a time.
